Throw Back Thursday

I love magic. It’s great for expressing personality and for making amusing entertainment. However, I’ve always felt it was a terrible form for expressing emotion. For this reason, whenever I have something which I can’t cram into a magic trick I often turn to poetry.

I wrote the following sometime between my junior and senior year of high school. It’s an interesting glimpse into a teenage magician’s mind.

There is some weird capitalization towards the end which I have no explanation for. I will assume this is the intent of the author, as that was what I was taught to do in high school when analyzing a work.

Listen Ma

Listen, it’s not that you haven’t given
Everything you got
Every single drop
To try and drive me towards my one good shot
At everything I ever wanted
But, ma, you got to let me fly my own way
Kay?
Burn and crash, if I must
You just have to trust
That in the end, that
I don’t know. Something good will come of it all.
But here’s the thing.
That whole crashing and burning part,
Scares the shit out of me!
Sorry, don’t mean to be crude
But that’s just the mood I’ve been in all day,
Hell, not just this day, but the day before that
And the day before that and the day before that and before that and before that too!
Here’s what scares me Ma,
That once I leave our little nest,
Swim around with all the rest
Of the bigger fish out there in the world Ma,
Swimming against the very best of everything I hope to be!
How do I stay afloat?
I can’t help feeling like I’m not ready for that, that I may never be, I just don’t see, how I, who have no supreme talent that I can see, yes ma, I know you see it, but you’re my mother, it’s your job to pull out what’s best in me, and remind me over and over of how special I am, but hear me out.
So many of my idols, at this point in their lives
Already had major successes
Had built careers to survive
To this day, where I now see them
Scour Youtube for their greatest stuff
It’s rough
Seeing all they’ve created but damn
It burns to see how far behind
I am.
So if I’m so special, like you say
A born star, who’s here to stay
Then why’s my future in disarray?
Listen Ma,
I know how much you put into me
I know how much that you love me, of course
But somehow I can’t help but to see
That you may have bet on the wrong horse.
I know.
It’s a frustrating thought to come to mind
I know.
It’s not the kind of thinking you taught me
I know.
Which is why, I bring to you a different kind
Of thinking.
That you, still might not like.
But I feel, it might, just might,
Help
You Don’t have to swim with the fish when you’re soaring above them
I have to try.
And so, I have one last thing to ask of you Ma,
You, who have given me everything.
I need just this,
One last gift.
Please.
I need you to stop.
If I’m going to ever live my own dreams, own my own place, and pay my own bills
Without getting a normal 9 to 5 like the rest
And really, truly, prove that I’m special
and do my best
Succeed in my art, Ma, I know it is hard,
But Let me live and breathe by these 52 cards!
For my part has to be paid in my life
If I burn and crash, just let me, I could use some strife
In this perfect world of mine.
Let my act feed me.
So this time
I might give it the respect it deserves.
Hone my skills, begin to learn.
And when I’m not banking off mom and dad’s reserves
Maybe it will be my turn.
To Fly.

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